Balance In Partnerships

Last month, Jason and I welcomed the arrival of our new baby. We planned for our baby and made the necessary changes for us to be the sole caregivers. The ability for us to be sole caregivers prompted the making of financial changes to balance our ability to be able to care for her full time. Once she arrived, we encountered more changes in balancing our time. Her needs as a newborn demand our full attention. The idea that newborns only eat, sleep, and poop is an illusion to our reality. She requires a lot more care, attention, and consideration than merely fulfilling daily tasks. Our newborn is a bit particular and requires constant interaction and attention while she is awake. Once she sleeps, she often fights sleeping- whether overtired or not. She also likes to be held and in motion whether swayed or rocked. Being able to fulfill her needs in a loving and welcoming way requires us to balance our personal time, our time with each other, and our time with her.

I’ve had (and still somewhat have) a difficult time balancing her needs with my own. As her mama, I will (and have) constantly sacrificed my needs for her needs. I find it difficult to ignore her cries and will make sure she is content, fed, changed, and sleeping before doing anything for myself. Often, I have gone without water, food, rest, or my complete mental faculties for a prolonged period of time. I know society says this is all part of the job as a new parent, but honestly it shouldn’t be. Not being able to care for myself with even simple, daily tasks- let alone take time to meditate, read, write, or engage in my favorite activities has been a difficult adjustment. I often do not ask for help, because I feel I can do everything myself.

Jason, on the other hand, deliberately takes the time necessary for his needs. If he wants to shower, workout, or mediate, he will take time to do those activities. He doesn’t neglect caring for her but will ask me to watch her while he gets his tasks done. His brazen ability to take the time he needs sparked jealously, because I wasn’t taking the time I need or asking for help when overwhelmed. I felt a lack of balance due to my nature of constantly over giving to everyone but myself, which sparked our conversation about balance and the ability for me to receive the time I need. Jason encouraged me to ask him for help more often and take the time I need instead of letting it pass me by.

Since we had our conversation about balancing needs, we both agreed to split all tasks for her equally, ask for help when needed, and take personal time for ourselves every day. Each day, we vocalize what we would like to get done out loud to each other and then work together to meet her needs and our needs. Usually, we compromise because it’s not often we can get everything done- which is ok. We set realistic, achievable goals and focus on what needs to be done vs what can wait.

Adjusting to this new time in our lives has been easier with each other. I feel particularly blessed to have a partner that understands the necessity of balance. Doing everything by myself would be very difficult, frustrating, and draining. I am grateful to be in the position where I can ask for help and pass her off when I’m overwhelmed or need a moment for me. I know I am a better mother and can give more to her when I’ve taken the time to replenish myself.

Balance in partnerships is crucial for the satisfaction and health of both people. Take a look at your own partnership with the guidance of these questions and determine areas of imbalance with giving and receiving. Each partner should feel they are receiving proportionally to what they are giving, otherwise self-sacrifice can become the energy of resentment, bitterness, and separation. Balance in partnerships is what cultivates and fosters the expression of more self-love and love for your partner.

Guidance Questions:

1. Do I feel balance in my partnership for the most part?

2. What do I give to my partner? (ex. time, attention, energy, money, gifts, appreciation, respect, praise, love, etc.)

3. What do I give to myself? (ex. self-care, taking the time to meet my own needs, etc.)

4. What do I receive from my partner?

5. Do I generally give more than I receive in my partnership?

6. Do I have a hard time receiving from my partner? (ex. saying no to help and doing something yourself or not asking for help in the first place.)

7. Which areas can I vocalize the necessity of more balance?

8. How will the expression of more balance improve my partnership?