How You Speak About Your Partner In Your Head

Does the way you speak about your partner in your head or out of earshot matter? Yes! It is often an incorrect assumption that your partner is completely unaware of your thoughts. While your partner may not be privy to the specific details of your thoughts, your partner is most likely aware of how those thoughts affect your behavior and actions around him/her. For example, if you are speaking about your partner undesirably or negatively in your head and entertaining those thoughts- it is very likely those thoughts will impact how you perceive your partner and how you interact thereafter with your partner.

In order to illustrate this theory, I will provide an example. Imagine you and your partner are in communication discord. You decide to move to another room to get some physical space away from your partner. While you are in this room, you are thinking about your partner and the situation that transpired. In your head you think, “My partner is the worst. I am so tired of dealing with his/her drama. I hate my partner right now and am very disappointed, aggravated, and tired of arguing with him/her. I feel my partner doesn’t appreciate me or value me. I feel alone.”

While you are entertaining these thoughts whether they are true or not, they impact how you feel about your partner and how you will interact with your partner. While your partner may not be consciously aware of the specific details of what was said about them, they will most likely be able to pick up on the verbal or non-verbal clues you exhibit in prospective interactions. It can be very difficult to hide your emotions or separate past thoughts from influencing a new conversation or situation. Often, if you are thinking undesirably about your partner- those thoughts manifest into emotions, behaviors, and actions that can be brought into a new situation. This causes added strain and difficulty on the partnership when one partner is harboring unhealthy, undesirable thoughts about another partner.

While you have every right to express how you authentically feel, especially amongst yourself- realize those thoughts have impact and you are accountable for those thoughts. It does not mean you have to filter or censor your thoughts- but be mindful of them and how they impact your interactions with your partner. It is extremely important to express yourself and your feelings authentically, but it is equally important to be forgiving of yourself for those thoughts and realize once expressed- you don’t have to hold onto them. You are allowed to express how you feel and then choose to forgive yourself and/or your partner and choose to let them go. If you are having a hard time letting those thoughts go, try this step by step visualization to express yourself to your partner.

Simple Visualization Exercise

1. Sit or lay down in a comfortable position and close your eyes

2. Take 5-10 deep breaths; inhale for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and exhale for 3 seconds

3. Once relaxed, imagine the ideal setting to communicate with your partner. It can be inside your house, on a beach, in a forest, in a cave, on a mountain, at a coffee shop, etc.

4. One you pick the setting, invite your partner into your visualization

5. Imagine your partner is walking toward you. You may decide to sit or stand.

6. Once your partner has approached you, open communication dialogue and tell your partner everything you’d like to say to him/her (you do not have to hold back).

7. Once you express yourself completely, you can imagine your partner’s response (if you feel they have one). If you do not feel your partner has a response, nothing else needs to be said.

8. After everything has been expressed by you and your partner (if applicable), choose to forgive your partner for anything you feel needs forgiveness. You may choose to verbally tell your partner you forgive him/her or forgive yourself (if you feel inclined). You may also choose to non-verbally express forgiveness by a hug/warm embrace, kiss, or imagine a healing wave of light manifested as unconditional love wash over you and your partner.

9. After the visualization is complete, open your eyes and give yourself a few minutes to integrate your experience.

10. Carry on with your day and remember you can come back and complete a visualization anytime.

The way we speak about our partner matters, even when they can’t hear us. It is important to express ourselves while still being mindful and cognizant of the impact our thoughts have on our feelings, actions, and behaviors towards our partner. In the process of becoming more self-aware, we can take ownership of our thoughts, forgive ourselves, and forgive our partner. This practice will empower you to express yourself authentically, let go of what is not serving you, forgive yourself and your partnership, and help you become a better communicator through realizing the accountability of your impact on your partnership.

- Jaclyn