The Role of Compassion in Partnerships

What is compassion and why does it matter in a partnership? Compassion, in my view, is the ability to provide consideration and understanding, empathy, love, and a willingness to detach from personal judgment to consider another perspective. Compassion is the human ability to go beyond a perceived interaction and separate the momentary behavior and actions of someone from the whole of who they are. As it applies in a partnership, it also applies to oneself. It is also the ability to refrain from judging and categorizing someone based on what they’ve done and consider the many complex facets that led that person to display those actions; whether you agree with them or not.

Compassion does not mean that you must validate or agree with someone’s behavior or actions. Often you can feel compassionate for someone and disagree with the choice they’ve made or the path they’ve chosen. Compassion does not excuse behavior/actions or alleviate accountability but understands there is more to uncover that the simplicity of wrong vs right or good vs bad. It is the observer approach that can transcend the current situation and analyze the emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental space someone could be in that attributed to what transpired.

In order to demonstrate this idea, let’s consider an example. Imagine your partner snapped at you over a seemingly trivial argument about cookies. You say chocolate chip cookies are better than peanut-butter. Your partner says you’re wrong and that peanut-butter cookies are better. It escalates quickly into a bigger argument that has nothing to do with cookies but instead personal insults and attacks. Your partner says you have poor taste and can’t cook anything right. Then you say your partner never cooks and is fairly useless around the house. It finally ends with angry outbursts and both partners choosing to leave the room to get some space.

You retreat to your bedroom to consider everything that transpired. How could this have gone so horribly awry over cookies? After you’ve taken a moment for yourself, you realize this argument was about much more than cookies. While the debate about cookies was the trigger, the ensuring conversation was about more than just cookies. You feel upset with your partner for the way you were spoken to and treated. You are angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused about the whole situation that transpired and unsure of how to proceed; this is where compassion comes in.

Compassion is being able to separate this particular incident from the whole of who your partner is and imbue this situation with love, consideration, understanding, and detachment from personal judgment. You do not agree with the behavior or actions of your partner but realize there are underlying issues that attributed to what transpired. Although you may be unsure of what those issues could be, you feel compassion for your partner and what he/she could be going through that you are unaware of. Instead of focusing on how upset you are with what transpired, you focus on how to move forward with your partner.

After you’ve taken some alone time, you decide to proceed to the living room. Your partner is sitting on the couch watching tv. You feel uncomfortable but decide to ask if you may speak to your partner. He/she looks up at you in agreement and turns off the tv. You tell your partner that you did not appreciate the way you were spoken to and treated but would like to understand what caused the discord. Your partner doesn’t say anything at first but after some coaxing decides to tell you he/she had a fight with a personal friend before the conversation about the cookies. You were unaware that this happened and now understand your partner’s behavior and actions weren’t out of the blue- but inappropriately displaced on you. Your partner apologizes for the way he/she treated you and you discuss healthy boundaries and ways to prevent this situation from re-occurring.

Because you applied compassion, you were able to resolve the situation through love and understanding while recognizing you do not have to validate or condone the behavior or actions of your partner. Applying compassion consistently in your partnership will improve the quality of the dynamic, engage in deeper self-reflection and awareness, and help recognize the impact of underlying issues if and when they arise. The more compassion you have for your partner (and yourself), the better you will be able to tackle discord in an effective manner.

- Jaclyn and Jason